“Goodbye Jesus”–A Book Review/Analysis of Tim Sledge’s Book (Part 3: Church Rivalries and Marital Failures)

We now come to Part 3 of my analysis of Tim Sledge’s book, Goodbye Jesus—a book in which he recounts his life story into Christianity, into the ministry, and eventually out of Christianity altogether. In Part 1 of this series, I provided a “Reader’s Digest version,” if you will, of Sledge’s 420-page book. In Part 2, I discussed what I felt were two glaring and troubling issues for me: (A) The obvious issues he had stemming from his childhood, and how they shaped (or rather misconstrued) his understanding of the Christian faith, and (B) His obsession with church growth and attendance numbers, again, something I believed stemmed from unresolved issues from his broken home during childhood. Here in Part 3, I want to continue with my analysis, focusing on the issues of rivalries surrounding his church ministry and his admitted martial failures.

Rivalries
Another thing that jumped out to me as I read Sledge’s book, particularly his account of his experience as a pastor, was a general atmosphere of divisiveness and rivalry that always seemed to be a part of his church, particularly at Kingsland. One of the earliest “red flags” I noticed was when Sledge discussed the impact that his recovery/support group program had on Kingsland Church. He said that the church really was composed of two different congregations. First, there was the congregation that had come to the church because of his recovery/support group program. These were the people Sledge felt more at home with—they were willing to share their brokenness and be open and honest about their struggles. Then there was the congregation that he had inherited when he became the pastor, and these people, along with the deacons at the church, never really accepted the cool, new things Sledge was doing. They were the “old guard” who were resistant to change.

Now, in truth, there probably has never been a church that didn’t experience a certain amount of tension and/or possible division at one point or another. It’s inevitable. But what struck me about Sledge’s depiction of the situation at his church was that not only did he clearly see two distinct groups within his church, but that he clearly favored one over the other. The overall vibe I got was that his attitude toward the “old guard” congregation was pretty much, “They just are out of touch with what God is doing (i.e. all the cool new church growth programs I am doing!).”

The second “red flag” I noticed was his account of how Ed Young’s church was looking to expand into what Sledge felt like was “his turf.” As I mentioned in one of the earlier posts, the whole situation just struck me as odd. One of the things Sledge mentions that particularly ticked him off was that people began comparing him to Ed Young and saying that Ed Young knew how to do church growth, not Sledge! “Oh yeah?” Sledge fumed in his book, “Under my leadership, Kingsland’s growth rate was more than three times the growth rate of its expanding community” (168).

So, what was fueling this rivalry? Attendance numbers and who was “more successful.” The whole thing reminded me of what Paul addresses in I Corinthians 1-4, when he found out that the Corinthian believers were started to degenerate into factions based on which church leader people preferred: Peter? Paul? Apollos? What was Paul’s response? He refused to get caught up in a “holy pissing contest.” Instead, he insisted that he, Peter, and Apollos were just fellow workers, working on “God’s building” (i.e. the Church) together. That was not the vibe that I got in Sledge’s book about this incident. To be honest, I don’t think it was solely Sledge’s fault. I’ve been around long enough to know full well that, sadly, there are a number of pastors who have this very mentality of competitiveness—oftentimes there are the ones with the biggest churches—and on a personal level, they are not nice people.

The final “red flag” I want to touch upon is the incident in which, according to Sledge, the deacons at Kingsland essentially staged a coup and got him to resign as the pastor in January 1996. According to Sledge, although he was never given a straight answer, he believed the deacons (whom, he reminds his readers, had never fully supported his recovery/support groups and were very much entrenched in the “old guard” congregation) decided to get him out after a time earlier in 1995 when he was openly honest—too honest—with them about how he felt so worn out. The way Sledge put it, he was just being completely open and vulnerable, just like how people were encouraged to be in his support groups, and they, like sharks who sense blood in the water, decided to attack.

Now, I have to say, even though I knew I was getting only one side of the incident (that of Sledge’s), the way it seemed the deacons went about forcing him out struck pretty close to home with me. Even though I am not a pastor, I did teach in Christian schools for 16 years, and was the victim of the same kind of pretty brutal and ungodly behavior on the part of certain Christian leaders who sought to torpedo my career. I am not going to get into the particulars of my situation, but I can fully understand the sense of betrayal and being stabbed in the back. It is no fun. No matter how many times I tried to get clear answers, they were never forthcoming until everything was over with. “Parents” had complained. Which parents? “Well, we never actually talked to parents.” What??? –That sort of thing.

Sadly, that sort of thing sometimes happens in churches and Christian schools/organizations. It is often the bitter fruit of some deep-seeded problems at that given church or organization. Sometimes, people are just out to get you, and it really isn’t your fault. And that does seem to be the case regarding what happened to Sledge. Some very devious people in the church was out to get him and they not only succeeded, but they were able to do it in such a way that saved face for the church. And why was that? Sledge, to his credit, chose not to fight it and walked away. Good for him. I know how tough that is to do.

Nevertheless, what makes Sledge’s story so sad is that that experience was so hurtful, I don’t think he ever recovered from it. Again, I know what it is like to go through that kind of betrayal. It happened to me, twice. Indeed, I know of quite a few former Christians (particularly Evangelicals) who have walked away from Christianity entirely precisely because of some kind of real hurt inflicted on them by so-called Christian leaders. Sadly, it seems that disillusionment with particular Christian leaders often is so great, that they just conclude that the whole thing is a giant crock, and they wind up being very bitter and petty people who carry with them a kind of seething hatred for anything Christian. Anyone who reads Sledge’s Twitterfeed will no doubt conclude the same thing about him.

That is something I just never understood. When I was stabbed in the back by specific Christian leaders at the schools where I worked, it never occurred to me to say Christianity as a whole was a bunch of lies, or that all Christians were just like those specific people who hurt me. No, I just concluded that those specific people were just jerks. And so, I picked myself up, worked through my hurt, and continued in spiritual journey. Regardless of what those people did to me, my faith wasn’t contingent on them. I say all that to reiterate that I don’t blame Sledge for what happened to him at Kingsland. It certainly seems he got royally screwed. Still, it is sad to see that, despite what he claims in the book, he clearly never got over it.

Failed Marriages
That being said, there is one topic in the book that, even by his own admission, was clearly his fault. At one point while a pastor and Kingsland, he had let himself have, as he called it, an “emotional affair” with a woman in one of his recovery groups. He and his wife worked through that incident, but man, if you are letting yourself get emotionally involved with another woman while married, that is a BIG red flag that there are some deeper issues in play. Not surprisingly, after he had left Kingsland, it happened again. He got emotionally involved with another woman, Kimberly, whom he had met at a “Making Peace” group at the new church he and his wife were attending.  This time, though, Sledge made the decision to leave his wife of 34 years in order to pursue a relationship with this new woman. Talk about a bad and foolish decision.

On top of that, Sledge tells of another instance soon after his decision to leave his wife that makes me question his overall judgment and self-awareness. Shortly after he divorced his wife, he and Kimberly broke up, and Sledge says he felt completely broken and alone. And so, he called up the pastor of the church where he and Kimberly had met to ask the pastor if he would be willing to give him a second chance and help restore him.

Step back and think about that for a minute. Sledge had started a recovery group at this pastor’s church, had fallen in love with another woman in the recovery group, and had left his wife for that woman. Needless to say, that would have been quite a scandal for that church to deal with. And here he was, a short time later, after Kimberly had broken up with him, asking that pastor whose church he undoubtedly scandalized to “help him recover.” How much more obtuse and socially clueless can one be? And what is even more shocking is that it becomes quite apparent in the book that Sledge fully expected this pastor to agree to work with him!

To make a long story short, this pastor made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Sledge. He told Sledge that there were two kinds of people in the world: Those that can change and those that cannot. Sledge was the latter, and Sledge, this pastor told him to his face, was permanently damaged. Well, Sledge makes it very clear in his book how hurt and disappointed he was in this pastor. He writes, “Mitchell could have helped turn my story into a victory for his church’s ministry, even if he had been willing to work with me without my attending his church. But that’s not what he chose to do” (331).

That is borderline psychopath. If you are the one who brings chaos and destruction in both a marriage and a church, then just assume the pastor whose church scandalized would just take you back in a heartbeat, and are so offended he won’t, that you shift all the blame on him…I’m sorry, but you have some serious issues. I think the pastor was right—people like that don’t change. People like that are dangerous and toxic, and should be avoided at all costs. [NOTE: To clarify, “psychopath” does not mean something most people assume it means (i.e. murderous, Ted Bundy-like killer). It is a clinical term used to to designate someone with extreme narcissism, who is obsessed with looking good to others, but with no real self-awareness of his own failings. When confronted with them, he will always project them onto the person who is confronting him on it, and thus tries to make it seem that that “problem” with him is REALLY the problem for the other guy.]

In any case, after that encounter, Sledge said he went back to Kimberly and they made up and got married. That marriage, though, fell apart after five years. During those years, Sledge had completely walked away from Christianity and the church, and as he says, it was utterly liberating. He writes that he soon came to see Christianity and the church as “a kind of prison, a barrier that was keeping light out. As I let go of some of the restrictions that had been imposed on me—as I permitted myself to think honestly about what I believed—my path became infinitely easier” (336). Over a short amount of time, Sledge renounced Christianity altogether. Kimberly, though, didn’t. She still wanted to go to church. But Sledge didn’t want to, and so, the marriage ended.

On the surface, Sledge readily admitted that he felt sorry for hurting both women. He said he took the blame for leaving his first wife and he said the ending of his second marriage made him feel like a failure. Still, though, I got the impression that such confessions of his failures were only skin deep. It seemed he readily said, “Hey, I’m saying I’m taking the blame for the failure of my marriages,” so he could try to convince the reader that he really is a nice and sincere guy who is just trying to be true to himself. After all, what kind of person would you be if you didn’t accept his “confession” and respect his sincere attempt to be true to himself? That’s right, you’d be like Mitchell, that mean pastor.

Conclusion Thus Far…
As I said earlier, after reading Sledge’s life story, I truly feel sorry for him on a number of levels. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be the child of an alcoholic. It probably was pretty tough, and it is clear he never really resolved those issues. And yes, there certainly are people who call themselves Christians who won’t even blink as they stab you in the back and betray your trust. Speaking from personal experience, that is an utterly devastating experience. And divorce? Yes, it shreds your soul.

Still, though, I found many of Sledge’s bad personal choices and his rationalizations for them to be nothing short of chilling. So, even though I feel sorry for him in a lot of ways, he strikes me as someone I would try to avoid like the plague. In my opinion, the reason he walked away from Christianity was a culmination of a number of things: unresolved issues from his childhood, his obsession with church growth and “recovering programs” (as if it were his attempt to validate his own sense of self-worth), his tendency to view anyone within his church/Christian ministry circles who didn’t buy into his programs as rivals, the obvious hurt and sense of betrayal he felt at the hands of other Christians, and ultimately his really bad choices that led to two failed marriages. One’s Christian faith in that scenario isn’t going to survive.

Like with many “ex-Evangelicals” I have come across though, no one is content to admit that those are the kinds of reasons they left Christianity. Instead of admitting the extremely emotional reasons that involve a lot of hurt and anger, there is a determined effort to claim that their abandoning Christianity was all about logic and reason. Sledge is no different in this regard. Therefore, in my next post, I’m going to look at his attempt to do just that—and yes, Bart Ehrman and Richard Carrier are involved.