The Benedict Option–Book Review (Part 5): Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…

Let me state up front: I don’t particularly like this post. I don’t think a single post on this topic will ever be adequate. In this final post of my review/analysis of Rod Dreher’s book, The Benedict Option, I’m going to address a few things that are bound to make everyone, Evangelicals especially, feel uncomfortable, namely sex and technology. Let me begin with two stories from my high school days.

During my freshman year, I remember walking into my Christian high school one morning, and finding all the freshman boys huddled around the freshman lockers, opposite of the boys bathroom—all were giggling and acting, well, like freshmen. Something was in the bathroom. I went in and found a Playboy centerfold had been tapped to one of the stalls. I ripped it down, went back out, looked at all the boys in disgust, and then crumpled up the picture and threw it in the garbage. My attitude was this: “C’mon, can you be any more immature and stupid?”

Then during my sophomore year, during one of the chapels during “Spiritual Emphasis Week,” the speaker for that week (George Verwer from Youth With a Mission) was talking about something I don’t remember—then out of the blue he said (I remember it clear as a bell), “And what about masturbation?” Immediately, you could hear a pin drop—every boy in the place froze. And I can guarantee every single boy was thinking, “How does he know?????” I can guarantee that, because that is exactly what I was thinking. Shame and embarrassment covered the chapel like a blanket that day.

If you grew up in the Evangelical subculture, when it came to the topic of sex, a few things were pounded into your brain: (1) sex is for marriage, and it’s awesome…in marriage; (2) outside of marriage, it is shameful and disgusting—God won’t hate you, but He’ll be really disappointed; you have thrown away your purity, you’ll never get it back, you’ve committed adultery against your future spouse…repent, you shameful, lust-filled sinner; and (3) you’ll probably get an STD.

So…let’s talk a little bit about the Christian view of sex.

What’s Wrong with the Typical Evangelical View of Sex and Sexuality?
One can write a book on this topic. Rod Dreher devoted a mere chapter to it, I’m going to touch upon it in one post. What am I thinking? Well, for starters, I think the following quote by Dreher sums up his criticism of the way the topic of sex has been handled in the Evangelical world: “To reduce Christian teaching about sex and sexuality to bare, boring, thou-shalt-not moralism is a travesty and a failure of imagination” (209).

According to Dreher, it has been precisely because of this failure on the part of Christians that led to the sexual revolution of the 1960s, and the “repaganization” of our culture’s view of sex and sexuality. And the results have been catastrophic: absentee fathers who don’t take responsibility for raising their children, the rise of marital infidelity, the rise of pornography, abortion on demand, etc.

Now some people might react negatively to this critique, and say, “So are you saying we’d be better off by going back to the way it was before, when everything was hushed up, etc?” Dreher’s response to that would be, “Of course not. The “way it was before” is that kind of thou-shalt-not-moralism that I think is a travesty.” And that’s Dreher’s point: a true, healthy view of sex and sexuality should not be derived from either the sexual revolution or the puritanical 1950s. Neither one represents a true Christian view of sexuality. When you think of it, both views essentially divorce sex from sexuality, and reduce the question a matter of, “What am I allowed to do or not do?” That very mentality, thoroughly diminishes everything.

Sex and Sexuality
Dreher seeks to emphasize the point that sex, rightly ordered, is a divine gift that can be a source of great joy, but if misused in a disordered, undisciplined way, it can be one of the most destructive forces on earth. Christianity, because it sees sex as a divine gift, also teaches the need to not let our sexual passions run wild.

Dreher points out that Paul’s teaching on sexual purity and marriage, far from being restrictive and puritanical, was actually seen as extremely liberating “in the pornographic, sexually-exploitative Greco-Roman culture of the time—exploitative especially of slaves and women” (198). In essence, Paul was saying women shouldn’t be treated as sex toys, but rather deserve loving husbands to enjoy sex with within the faithfulness of marriage. The fact is, in the ancient world as in today’s world, sexual promiscuity inevitably leads to the exploitation of women. Ancient Rome had temple prostitution; today, sex-trafficking is rampant throughout the world. In both cases, women suffer tremendously.

Dreher’s point is essentially this: sex shouldn’t be seen as simply “something you do with your body,” but rather as an expression of one’s very sexuality, and the sharing of yourself as a person with another person of the opposite sex within a faithful and loving relationship within God’s created order. Or more simply put, equating marriage to a representation of the relationship between Christ and the Church, Christianity sacramentalized sexual activity as something between “the lover and beloved,” as opposed to the Greco-Roman view (not to mention the modern secular view) that viewed sex as simply a pleasurable activity for your own self-gratification, and it didn’t matter with whom you had sex with. Ancient Rome had pagan temples and temple prostitutes; today, we have pimps, Tinder and f***-buddies.

Gay Marriage and Gender Theory
Dreher includes in his discussion about sex and sexuality further discussion regarding gay marriage and modern gender theory. Regardless of one’s view about gay marriage, Dreher’s explanation as to why our culture has accepted gay marriage so quickly deserves consideration: “We have gay marriage because the straight majority came to see sexuality as something primarily for personal pleasure and self-expression and only secondarily for procreation” (203).

In fact, at this point, Dreher actually echoes a point I made in my second post: that the Church has been horrible in its treatment of gay people. He writes: “All unmarried Christians are called to live celibately, but at least heterosexuals have the possibility of marriage. Gay Christians do not, which makes their struggle even more intense. Worse, too many gay Christians face rejection from the very people they should be able to count on: the church” (213).

Simply put, although Dreher objects to gay marriage, and obviously thinks “gay sex” is wrong, he also thinks any sex outside of marriage is wrong—in that respect, the gay Christian and the heterosexual single Christian are in the same boat. (Ah, I bet some are thinking, “Oh but at least the heterosexual single Christian has the option to get married.” This is going to open a can of worms that I’m simply not going to try to address, but shouldn’t we be honest and admit that there are some people who probably shouldn’t get married anyway? Is the Church obligated to marry just anybody who wants to get married? I’m 47 and divorced—looking back, I sure wish the Church had challenged my decision a little…but I digress).

Modern Gender Theory
Along with the issue of gay marriage is Dreher’s objection to modern gender theory. This too is a touchy subject, and one that cannot fully be covered in this post. But let me say this: I do find it odd that our culture, seemingly within the span of the past few years, seems to just accept the fact that one can choose his/her own gender, and that Bruce Jenner is just a “woman inside.” I’m sorry, though, when a woman says, “I’ve always felt like a man,” I have to say, “No, that’s not true. You never have known what it feels like to be a man; you were never a boy who had to go through puberty; you don’t know how embarrassing it feels to be 13 years old and get erections at the most inopportune times. You may think you feel like a man, but you’re not a man, anymore in the same way that no matter how much Rachel Dolezal might claim she’s a black woman, that doesn’t change the fact that she’s not a black woman.” I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s the cold, hard truth.

To top it off, there is no scientific evidence (at least to my knowledge) that supports the notion that one’s biology and gender are different, or that one can choose their gender identity. What is does tell me is that our culture is sexually confused. And I think all of this goes back to Dreher’s main argument that since the sexual revolution, our culture has endorsed and encouraged and understanding of sex and sexuality (which was obviously a violent reaction to the puritanical and restrictive understanding of sex and sexuality of 1950’s America) that has blown apart any concept of sexual boundaries in the name of personal freedom and expression. The result is a whole lot of sexual and gender confusion.

Porn and the Internet
Dreher also addresses the damaging effects of porn at the end of the chapter on sexuality. Pornography has an incredibly dehumanizing and objectifying effect on the human being. With the internet, that danger is no longer restricted to the “naughty magazines” behind the counter, or even the yearly Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. It is the new normal. I for one am thankful I am not a teenager now. I had a hard-enough time as it was seeing Elle MacPherson and Kathy Ireland on the cover the Sports Illustrated once a year. Today’s youth is bombarded with it 24/7.

Coming to terms with own’s sexuality and sexual desires is hard enough as it is, and we are living in a culture that shoves it in your face at every turn. Yes, it’s a challenge, and there are no easy answers. Now, I think the ideal that Christianity teaches by far presents the healthiest and most fulfilling understanding of sex, sexuality, and marriage. But we’re fooling ourselves if we pretend that “as long as you get married” everything will be fine. So let me at least throw out some random observations to consider.

Here’s My Two Cents
Here is what I’ve come to realize:

• We are all sexual beings, and, especially starting with puberty, each one of us has a lot to try and figure out. And yes, like I said, I believe that the healthiest and happiest means of sex and sexual expression is to be found within a loving, caring marriage relationship between a man and a woman. Devoting yourself in marriage to someone of the opposite sex is a challenge because men and women are different—simply put, it forces you to grow into more a complete person.
• That being said, some people, for whatever reason, probably shouldn’t get married. And Christianity is pretty clear: sex should be for marriage, so if you’re not married, you shouldn’t engage in sex. I’m now 47, I’m divorced, I don’t see any real possibility of me ever getting married again—sex isn’t part of my life. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not always easy, but hey, whatcha gonna do? Go out and do something stupid? I think not.
• That being said, the way sex and marriage is often presented in churches is horrible. As a kid, I wanted to get married so I could have sex, period. News flash: that’s not a good reason to get married. And for Christians to present marriage as little more than license to have sex is a travesty.
• More importantly (and this really needs to be emphasized), even if you wait until marriage, that doesn’t mean you are “pure” and that someone who doesn’t is “impure.” When it comes to sex and sexuality, we all fall short to some degree, and we’re all screwed up to some degree.
• So let’s ask a basic question: when you have fooled around to some degree as a single, or watched porn, or masturbated (and notice I didn’t say “if” but “when”), why did you do it? Was it because you were feeling supremely self-confident and good about yourself at that moment, fully satisfied with your life and who you are? Or if you cheated on your spouse, did you do it because you were feeling so satisfied with your marriage? I’m guessing the answer is no.
• Let’s be honest, people engage in those things when they are feeling lonely, disillusioned, upset, or inadequate. And, especially if you are single, the thinking tends to be, “Well, I might never find someone who loves me and wants to marry me, so I guess I’ll take what I can get.” And then when it’s over, you feel just as lonely as before, and actually a little more stupid.
• What that should tell you is that sex isn’t just for self-pleasure. It’s reveals the deeper need each one of us has for relationships and love. But if there isn’t the deep, loving relationship, sex tends to really be harmful. Therefore, when people do screw up, the Church shouldn’t shame them or shun them—that’s the sign that Christians should love and accept them even more, and let them know they’re not alone. The love of community is what can heal and bring wholeness. Unfortunately, both our current culture and too many churches don’t really do that too well.
• We all yearn for love and relationships, and since we are all sexual beings, we all fail to some degree when it comes to sex—that’s inevitable. But I have to think that if we had tighter-knit, loving communities (particularly in churches), those feelings of loneliness wouldn’t be so strong, and the temptations to “just take what I can get” wouldn’t be as great.

Conclusion
I have to be honest, I feel this post is in many ways wholly inadequate. I didn’t particularly like writing it. But it does, as Dreher does in his book, touch upon a subject that the Church has wholly failed to address in many meaningful way, and that our current society has screwed up in many ways. And if it sparks reflection about how we should view sex and sexuality, I suppose it is a good thing to write about.

There is no easy answer. That is why we need to show acceptance, love, and grace to each other. And that’s why we need to be honest about things. Some of my opinions might be wrong, but I think there are a number of good points to consider. Hopefully, even though I found this post to be inadequate, some people might find it useful.

All in all, The Benedict Option is a worthwhile book to read, discuss, and contemplate. If I were to rate it on a scale of 1-10, I’d give it a 7.5. If nothing else, it draws attention to a number of topics we tend not to take the time to really think through.