The Southern Baptist Convention Expels Rick Warren Over the Ordination of Women (and why Warren had it coming!)

Last week, the Southern Baptist Convention formally expelled Rick Warren, the pastor of Saddleback Church in California, out of the SBC because Warren had ordained female pastors. In church lingo, the issue is over complementarianism and egalitarianism. Complementarianism is the belief that although men and women are equal in the eyes of God, God has nevertheless designated men to be the ordained leaders of churches. This is the position of the SBC. Egalitarianism, on the other hand, believes that women are equally gifted and equipped to be pastors.

Now, to be honest, I heard about this thing on the news and I really didn’t care. I’m not a Baptist, I’ve never wanted to be a Southern Baptist, and I’ve never read The Purpose Driven Life.

…but then a certain Facebook friend of mine who routinely accuses me of the most heinous absurdities and with whom I get into heated arguments over and curse at in private (but hey, that’s a whole other discussion!) sent me one of the most alarming pictures I had ever seen. “Where did you get this picture?” I asked, and he promptly sent me a link to a news article from 2007 that shocked me to my not-Southern Baptist-core! A sudden revelation came to me, faster than the SBC conservative takeover of 1979! It made me see the recent expulsion of Rick Warren from the SBC in a whole new light. For that reason, I feel I must share.

The article from 2007 that my antagonistic ex-Evangelical friend shared with me was entitled, “Bill Nye’s Withered Romance.” Yes, that Bill Nye, the “science guy”…the man who basically terrorized young earth creationist Ken Ham back in February 2014 by debating him on the topic of evolution and whether or not YECism was a legitimate scientific model.

The article was about the strange relationship Bill Nye had with musician, author, and motivational speaker, Blair Tindall. In 2006, Nye announced on the Craig Ferguson Show that he was engaged to Ms. Tindall, and later that year, he surprised her with a wedding—a wedding that was officiated by none other than Rick Warren! It turned out that the wedding wasn’t a legal wedding and that Nye claimed shortly after that he and Tindall just decided to break up. The only problem was that Tindall showed up in Nye’s rose garden, wearing all black, and proceeded to try to kill all of Nye’s plants with a toxic liquid she claimed was weed-killer. Nye alleged that she was going to try to spray him with the toxic liquid, but she swore she was only after the roses. On top of that, she claimed she was having emotional problems.

I don’t know about you, but that article caused me to see the whole “SBC expels Rick Warren over the ordination of woman pastors” in a new light. Oh, you might think his expulsion was over his recent ordination of women, but the roots to his depravity go much deeper, and this article proves it! Let’s just look at the facts!

1. First of all, what was Rick Warren doing, officiating Bill Nye’s wedding? Bill Nye is an atheist who accepts evolution! That makes him a veritable Nazi. The fact that he viciously attacked Ken Ham in 2014 just proves it!

2. Second of all, the wedding wasn’t even legal. Again, what was Rick Warren doing, taking part in illegal activities? And to top it off, he wasn’t even wearing a tie! What kind of self-respecting minister doesn’t wear a tie when he officiates a wedding? I’ll tell you what kind—the kind who likes to officiate illegal weddings with atheist Nazi sympathizers, that’s who!

3. Thirdly, look at the woman who Nye supposedly “married.” She was a musician, an author, and a motivational speaker. I’ll just say it—what was Warren doing, marrying a woman who obviously didn’t know when to shut her trap?!? The apostle Paul wouldn’t let women speak…period. Now, I suppose if Rick Warren arranged Ms. Tindall to just stamp her foot twice for “I do,” maybe that would have been okay. But the fact that she made her living using her voice and speaking her mind is highly problematic. No wonder she agreed to marry an evolution-loving atheist.

4. Finally, just look how Ms. Tindall reacted when she and Nye broke off their relationship. Talk about getting all emotional! Hello! There’s a reason why women shouldn’t be in positions of influence and authority! And what’s with the dressed in black thing? Either she is a witch or is way too zealous of a Johnny Cash fan. And, of course, she shows up in a garden…with poison…trying to kill things. She could have done us men all a favor and just shown up naked with a snake draped around her neck and holding an apple!

Right there, back in 2007, Rick Warren should have learned his lesson. There’s a reason why women shouldn’t have positions of authority in the church…or should be allowed to speak…or write…or sing…they cause men to fall into sin. Granted, Nye was already an evil-utionist atheist, so he was already doomed, but Rick Warren should have known better.

…and now Rick Warren has been cast out of SBC Eden to frolic with liberal women like Beth Moore and evolutionists like Bill Nye who mock God by questioning Ken Ham’s claim that dinosaurs were on Noah’s Ark a mere 6,000 years ago. It has been 16 years since that illegal abomination wedding fiasco with Bill Nye and…you know…that yappy woman. I feel the SBC has been more than patient with Warren. It has just become abundantly clear that Warren doesn’t respect the authority of the SBC, so he must be cast out! Good riddance! The “purpose driven life”? It’s obvious now that Warren’s purpose in life is to destroy the church by allowing Christian women to use the gifts God has given them to…build up the church and minister to those in need….wait…

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In all seriousness, I’ve long felt that in the church people should use their gifts to build up the church. It doesn’t matter if one is a man or woman. God wants you to use your spiritual gifts in the church to build up the church. However you’re gifted, do that. Sadly, this issue of woman pastors is seen as a “liberal vs. conservative” issue. It shouldn’t be. The very fact that it is seen that way tells me the deeper problem is in the way many churches view the concept of leadership and authority in the first place. But that’s a serious topic, and this article is satire…

So, to sum up: Shutty, shutty, girls! Put down your Bibles and make me some pancakes! I’ll teach you a thing or two when I feel like it!

…women should be silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be subordinate, as the law also says. If there is anything they desire to know, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church. (1Corinthians 14:34-35)